Why Horn?

Why French Horn?

When my teacher asked me this in my lesson, I told her because I like to create music and I love the sound of the horn.

She told me this wasn't good enough. It isn't.

I've played horn for seven years now. Think about that, if a soccer player just liked to kick a ball around and loved the sounds of a crowd, would he stick with soccer for seven years? I don't think so. These are pluses, but he's got to like the thrill of running around a field, fighting against an opposing team, controlling a little rolling thing...you get the idea.
So why do I love Horn?

I thought, well I love the way it looks, sounds, and feels. It's intricate, delicate, but sturdy and strong at the same time.

But that's not it either.

Maybe it's the mystery of the horn, both in sound and in looks. There are so many hidden tubes, I still find new ones. And the sound encompasses the sound of a trumpet, trombone, and baritone, while still being mello enough to play allongside woodwinds in a quintet.

But that's still not it.

Then I thought, maybe it's the music I love. Maybe I play Horn because it's a way to make music...but no. If that were all, I'd quit the Horn and stick to piano, which hurts less.

Then I thought, maybe it's the group. Maybe I like being accepted, being part of a whole entity. But that's not it either. I didn't want to be in band all of senior year, but I stuck it out because I was playing horn. Besides, if that were true, I could do that on the flute, or oboe, or trumpet, and I quit trumpet after a semester and didn't stick with flute when I tried to teach myself it.

So...I know I love music, I keep playing the piano, too.
So, why French Horn?

Why do I get the jitters everytime I see a Horn, touch a Horn, or play a Horn? Why do I stop what I'm doing and tune in when anyone says "French Horn". Why do I freak out whenever I hear Horns playing in a piece, or movie? (You can ask my brother, I do) Why do references in my Music 101 book to the Horn make me proud to be a Horn? Why do I feel instant kinship with anyone who plays the Horn? Why to I hold my head proudly and say "I play the French Horn!"?

I can tell you, why music and not sports. Music makes me feel the Spirit, makes me feel like I'm touching another's soul in a way only I can do through music. I feel like I'm communicating with God.

But, why Horn?

Feeling the Spirit is true when I play the piano, as well, so why, when people ask me what I play or what's something interesting about me, do I say "I play French Horn!" Why do I call myself a French Horn? Not a Horn player, but a French Horn.

What would possess me so much that I'd continue? When my lips are bruised and my jaw muscles feel like they'll implode any second, why do I continue to play? When my fingers hurt and I'm so tired I can't sit up straight, why do I not stop?

Through those years of carting that awkward case to and from school on the public school bus, or getting a bruise on my leg as I walked it home, why didn't I switch to something less bulky? Is it becuase I'm a creature of habit? No, that's not it.

Why do I change my plans for it, not eat certain foods before playing it, wash my hands to keep oil from it, wash it carefully so the lacquer doesn't flake off?

Why was I just as excited to get a horn as I was to get a laptop? Why do I love my Horn more than almost any other possession? Why is it my baby?

Why am extra careful around it, so afraid to dent it, I'd bruise my fingers rather than my Horn. Why does each dent in it feel like a blow to my soul?

Why do great Horns, like Paxman, give me the shivers?

Why am I willing to spend a lot on lessons to make me play better?

Why, why, why, why...Why Horn?

What is it about Horn that inspires me? Is it the way it seems to fit perfectly in my arms, or the way my muscles seem to just "know" what to do to put it together and play it?

Why did I pick the Horn in the first place?

I can answer that. When they passes around the sign-up sheet for band, I picked Horn for three reasons:
1. It sounded like an interesting instrument.
2. My dad played it in High School.
3. It was challenging. You had to get the director's permission to play it. I like challenges.

But whatever the reasons I picked to start, they weren't what kept me going. Sure, it was a challenge and an interesting instrument, but it didn't feel like much of a challenge for me: it came almost naturally, like math. And it really didn't matter that my dad had played it, that had only caught my attention. So what then became my reason?

I think my second reason for playing was that I couldn't quit before getting one year into it. I also liked learning, and I learned that whole first year. I loved the people in our small band in sixth grade, and band was the only time I talked to them. I think a major part was that I didn't want to let anyone down by quitting (I was the only Horn).

But those things ended when I hit Junior High. I still learned, but it wasn't with the same furver, and I still loved the people in band, but I started talking to them outside of class. I wouldn't let anyone down by quitting because there were six horns. All of my reasons became obsolete, so why did I continue? Maybe it was the lessons, I felt obligated to keep going. But that's not true, since we were paying for them, I could quit at any time. So what was my reason?

This is a hard answer, harder than asking what my reason is now. I don't remember what I thought back then, so I can't know the reasons I had for continuing. I also never thought about it then, so even if I did remember what I had thought, I never thought about why I played Horn. Even as near as High School, I can't remember my reasons. I can know my reasons for marching band, the exhileration, the feeling of accomplishment, the good feeling after exercise, but that applies to marching band, not Horn. I don't know why I did Horn in High School, and I especially don't know why I continued Senior year, when I disliked band so much. Actually, though, I know why I continued in band: I wanted to play the Horn, and I knew I would not practice, were it up to me alone. My friends were all in band, as well. But these reasons don't explain what held me to the Horn so badly that I was willing to suffer through pain, boredom, anger, and frustration just to play my Horn.

So if you couldn't tell, I've been writing this blog over the course of a few days, around 5 to be exact. And today we had our regional conference. There I felt the spirit, and realized it is the same feeling I get when I play French Horn. Music is a way to open a direct channel to God. So, I think I finally figured out the answer to the question "Why Horn?"

Answer: simply, multiple reasons that have to do with more than the Horn. They have to do with my relationship to God.
1. I love music because it speaks directly to my soul. I feel the Spirit when I here good music. So, I play Horn to immerse myself in it.
2. Commradery. I know it may sound shallow, but I enjoy working with other musicians. They are very much like me, and so I get along with them. My friends are musicians, and that may be because I'm in band, but I think I'm in band partly because that's where the people I befriend are.
3. The above two reasons are why I play music. Now, why do I play Horn? It started as a fling, where it sounded interesting. But the reason I stuck with Horn is this: it felt right. I played trumpet for a semester and I have tried to teach myself the flute. Neither of those stuck with me because they didn't feel right. Horn is what stayed because I am supposed to be playing it. I don't know why yet, but I know one day I will find out the higher purpose, even if it's just to bring me joy.
4. Which leads me to the fourth reason I play Horn: joy. I am happy when I'm playing Horn, even if I'm in pain or I'm frustrated, or bored. I love playing the Horn, creating something out of nothing. I told a friend a few days ago that I couldn't think of a blog title because I couldn't make something out of nothing. This may be true in writing sometimes, but it is never true when I'm playing my Horn. Just playing an F is creating beauty where nothing was a second ago.

These reasons are imcomplete and don't explain the deeper truths, I know. I have, however, thought long and hard for five days about this. Above are the reasons I discoverd, and below is the conclusion I reached:

I can't know, yet, the real, true reason I play Horn. This life is process and a journey, and I haven't yet reached the point where I can ask "Why French Horn?" and get a specific, susinct answer. Eventually, I hope I will know, but for know, at my stage, those are my reasons for playing the Horn, and while I know there are deeper reasons, I don't know where to go to find them. It is certain that I will continue to ask myself this questions throughout this semester and the rest of my life, and I hope I will find an answer. For now, though, I am okay with the answers I have; they are enough to keep me playing the Horn and loving it.

Thank you for joining me on this journey deeper into my soul. Obviously, it's not over, but I hope you will see what I have done and start asking yourself the question "why?" I know I have already begun to ask that about other things in my life, and it's amazing what I've found. I invite you to find some things out about yourself. Enjoy!

The Blessings of God

Since my posts so far have felt very whinny, I decided that it was time to remind myself of the good things in college. This will be a post where I put the tender mercies I've received and the blessings that have come into my life.

1. I have become much more independent. I used to almost need a friend with me in order to do anything. I needed a second opinion on everything. Now, though, I'm fine walking home, going to the store, and making everyday decisions on my own, without help. There are still some things I've asked my parents about, like jobs and online shopping (which I have done more of in the last two weeks than I did the first 17 years of life), but these are big things, and even that I am getting to a point where I don't need as much advice to be okay. I can make my own plans, decide my schedule by myself, and pick what homework I should do when, all without having to hint to someone else what I'm doing (yes, I used to do that, however subtly). Even with cooking, except for one recipe that was my roommates that I tried, I just do what I feel like, whether it works or not (making 5 times as much tomato sauce as I needed was one of those nots. I'm so sick of tomato sauce right now...) By living on my own, and not in a dorm, I've become a master of my own life.

Discoveries

This is going to be an on-going every-changing post, full of random discoveries that I make throughout life.

Discovery #1 - How to use SuperGlue
You'd think that on the superglue package they'd say something like "Step 1 - Put on gloves." But no! The have the warnings, which no one reads, that say "Bonds to skin instantly" which for a college student who's never used anything like superglue, doesn't help anything. They need to have it as a step "put on gloves". Then I wouldn't have to spend twenty minutes trying to soak the stupid stuff out of my skin. And I still don't have it all out. (I think I'm the only girl anywhere who doesn't own a bottle of nail polish remover, which is why it's stupid that one of the only things that takes superglue out is nail polish remover. How is that logical?!) So basically, I discovered how NOT to use SuperGlue.

Discovery #2 - There is a Difference Between Phone and Internet Jacks
So, I moved into my room in this apartment and tried to connect to the internet. Come to find out, it is Ethernet, which I first of all had never heard of, and second of all never used. So I had to go buy an Ethernet cable (luckily these were clearly labeled). Then I get home and try the only jack I can find, and lo and behold! It's a phone jack. So now, I'm kinda annoyed. There is supposed to be internet...there's a jack downstairs that works, but the whole apartment is supposed to be wired. So we start looking for another jack...and we found it, behind the bed. So I move my bed so I can move my desk so I can access the Internet. Then I get this printer, and it has a fax machine. Now, I know I don't really use that, but in the event that I do (and because at the time I was having a stubborn young adult moment), I need access to the phone jack...across the room from the internet jack. Who designed this room? So I have to move everything around AGAIN so I can get the printer close enough to the phone line in case I need it and close enough to the computer so I can connect it and somewhere on the shelves, which also happen to be across the room from the Internet jack. Seriously? So now I have these cables running up and down the walls so that I can print from across the room...I'd really like a word with whoever designed this room...

Discovery #3 - Bikes on a College Campus
So we bought me this really nice roadbike so I could ride to school. But I calculated it out, and it takes 15 minutes to walk from home to my classes. By bike, it takes about 5 minutes to get to campus, dodging all the cars and pedestrians, 5 minutes to find a rack and lock my bike up, and 5-10 minutes to walk to my class, depending on where the rack I choose is. On top of that, I have to ride slowly through the student body, so I'm basically riding at a walking speed...so what's the point in riding my bike to school everyday? I've decided I'm going to walk because it's less of a hassle. I'm glad I have my bike, though, because pretty much any store with low prices is at least 5 blocks from where I live. I only wish it was easier to ride my bike everywhere because I LOVE riding my bike!

Discovery #4 - The Worst Place to Cut Yourself with a Knife
So, as you can tell and as you know from my other posts: I cut myself with a knife. Actually, I cut myself twice in two days. I don't know how I managed to get through 18 years at home without cutting myself once, and I'm on my own for a week and I cut myself twice...it's a cunnundrum I can't solve. But I found the worst place to cut yourself; AKA, don't do it here. The worst place you could cut your hand on a knife is the pad of your thumb. Think about it; we use our thumbs for everything...that's what makes more able than animals...so the pad of your thumb is almost constantly in use. So if you get a cut there, it's almost constantly in contact with something else, which, if you've ever had a cut, hurts. On top of that, it took half an hour for the stupid thing to stop bleeding! I've never had a cut bleed around a bandaid, but this one did. I put a bandaid on and within half a minute, blood was coming out the sides. Gross, I know, but that's my discovery. Don't cut your thumb. Luckily, however, it seems to heal really fast...it's been what, four days, and it's healed over enough that I don't have to worry about it randomly starting to bleed on everything...so there's my morbid/gross discovery.

Home Improvement: SuperGlue

So, you know on Home Improvement the classic joke that Superglue will stick your hands together? And Tim gets his hands glued together so bad the boys can't even pull them apart? And then when he touches anything else, it sticks instantly? I thought it was a joke! But it isn't! While it is a dramatization, I just fixed my shoe, and got some on my finger, and it was sticking to everything I touched! It was easy to pull it off, and it didn't hurt, but I was amazed at how quickly it stuck to something! And it won't come off my finger. It's not sticky since I washed it, but I can still feel the glue residue...It won't come off, I've washed my finger about three times now! It just surprised me that the old Superglue joke has some basis in fact...

Introductions

Hello, I am a new freshman at BYU, and this is my blog. I decided that since I can't seem to keep a journal regularly, I'd try a blog that acted like a journal. Maybe, in this technologically oriented society, I'll post on this more often than I would write in my journal...we'll see. That's not actually too hard, I only wrote in my journal basically once a year, so I've got alot going for success...

So, first entry:
I'm through the first week. It was stressful, what with trying to juggle homework, school, and all-around household stuff. It's so weird having three hours between classes. My high school kinda prepared me for that: they had arena scheduling and off-hours. But even so, I never had a three hour block where I had to go home, eat and do laundry...that was weird the first time I did it.

Even weirder is putting things like "laundry" and "shopping" into my student calendar/schedule! It's weird to think "K, I have English, then I need to go home and cycle the laundry. Oh! And on the way I need to pick up eggs..." Nothing could ever prepare you for that! My mom would tell me to go pick up milk, but I never had to think about what I needed from the store and how I was going to pay for it, or when I was going to find the time to take a big shopping trip. (And it's not just food, I had to go get superglue the other day to fix my shoes...normally I'd just have to go find it in the garage, but there was nothing to find here!)...It's a VERY new experience for me. But a good one for when I'll be a mom, juggling three-five different schedules. (Just watch, now I'll have 7 kids, since I said that...)

High school also doesn't prepare you for cooking for yourself. In fact, nothing does, except living on your own. Even if you helped in the kitchen at home, like I sometimes did, cooking for 6 people and cooking for 1 are two very different things. I already have way too much tomato sauce that I've been trying to come up with creative uses for...(lettuce, chicken, ranch dressing, and tomato sauce would seem like a bad combination, but it's not too bad, like an Italian style taco salad...) I took cooking classes in high school, which helped with knife skills and cleaning and such (though I managed to cut myself twice in two days on a knife; I think my roommates knife is out to get me...). But those classes, like most recipe books, still dealt with more than one serving stuff. And nothing ever really taught me how to freeze stuff, so I hope the raspberries, clementines, bananas, and garlic are ok in the freezer...Grocery stores don't really help too much either: they sell things in bulk for cheaper. For a college student on a budget, you can either blow your budget getting just enough food for what you need or you can go bulk and throw half of it away (or freeze it, which is what I've been doing). The convenience stores near us are better at catering toward college students (as that's pretty much all their business) but most of them are expensive, as well. You'd think Wal-mart© would get the hint and put a branch that dealt in low-cost, smaller items and put it two blocks from campus...but that wouldn't make as much money, kinda like I'm not doing now, either, without a job...

Another thing I wasn't prepared for was all the walking. High school had walking, but it didn't take 15 minutes to get across campus, uphill quite a bit of the way. I've done more walking in the past week than I did all summer! Maybe they should have a "College Preparedness Class" where all you do is walk around town for an hour...
And roommates! Wow! Family life does not prepare you for roommates! They are so different! I love my roommates, but I'm still not sure how to bring things up like chores and meals and such with them...with my brothers, I'd just say "it's your job to clean the bathroom this week" but with a roommates, almost a complete stranger, who is an adult in their own right...how do you say "your turn" to them? Luckily, I got pretty laid-back roommates who can still get stuff done...and they're older, so they're kinda set in their ways. All I have to do is follow along, which I don't mind.

You know what the weirdest thing is though, well, apart from being in a ward where I'm sure half the boys are 2-4 years older than me and looking for potential mates, but the weirdest thing is not being super accountable for class...I was late today, and my professor didn't say anything, and I wasn't the only one late. As long as you do the work, some professors don't care if you miss class. This isn't true for all of them, but it's weird to be completely on my own, not that I'm going to purposely ditch all my classes now...sleeping in was a mistake. I'm going to have to change my alarm again...

Alright, well there's my first post. I just want to say that college is really exciting and I'm glad to be out here! It's just different. I don't mean to sound whiny, just frank. Things are improving...I now have two study groups and a new friend, who's already been over for a movie night ("Leap Year" is an awesome movie!). I can't wait to see what the next several months have in store! I've already learned so much! (Like how to put the © symbol in Blogger© and write a program in Java!! and how to navigate Utah streets; so much easier than home, where all the streets in a row are named the same thing, whether or not they connect!)

Well, this is me, signing off (hehehe) until next time!