Why Horn?

Why French Horn?

When my teacher asked me this in my lesson, I told her because I like to create music and I love the sound of the horn.

She told me this wasn't good enough. It isn't.

I've played horn for seven years now. Think about that, if a soccer player just liked to kick a ball around and loved the sounds of a crowd, would he stick with soccer for seven years? I don't think so. These are pluses, but he's got to like the thrill of running around a field, fighting against an opposing team, controlling a little rolling thing...you get the idea.
So why do I love Horn?

I thought, well I love the way it looks, sounds, and feels. It's intricate, delicate, but sturdy and strong at the same time.

But that's not it either.

Maybe it's the mystery of the horn, both in sound and in looks. There are so many hidden tubes, I still find new ones. And the sound encompasses the sound of a trumpet, trombone, and baritone, while still being mello enough to play allongside woodwinds in a quintet.

But that's still not it.

Then I thought, maybe it's the music I love. Maybe I play Horn because it's a way to make music...but no. If that were all, I'd quit the Horn and stick to piano, which hurts less.

Then I thought, maybe it's the group. Maybe I like being accepted, being part of a whole entity. But that's not it either. I didn't want to be in band all of senior year, but I stuck it out because I was playing horn. Besides, if that were true, I could do that on the flute, or oboe, or trumpet, and I quit trumpet after a semester and didn't stick with flute when I tried to teach myself it.

So...I know I love music, I keep playing the piano, too.
So, why French Horn?

Why do I get the jitters everytime I see a Horn, touch a Horn, or play a Horn? Why do I stop what I'm doing and tune in when anyone says "French Horn". Why do I freak out whenever I hear Horns playing in a piece, or movie? (You can ask my brother, I do) Why do references in my Music 101 book to the Horn make me proud to be a Horn? Why do I feel instant kinship with anyone who plays the Horn? Why to I hold my head proudly and say "I play the French Horn!"?

I can tell you, why music and not sports. Music makes me feel the Spirit, makes me feel like I'm touching another's soul in a way only I can do through music. I feel like I'm communicating with God.

But, why Horn?

Feeling the Spirit is true when I play the piano, as well, so why, when people ask me what I play or what's something interesting about me, do I say "I play French Horn!" Why do I call myself a French Horn? Not a Horn player, but a French Horn.

What would possess me so much that I'd continue? When my lips are bruised and my jaw muscles feel like they'll implode any second, why do I continue to play? When my fingers hurt and I'm so tired I can't sit up straight, why do I not stop?

Through those years of carting that awkward case to and from school on the public school bus, or getting a bruise on my leg as I walked it home, why didn't I switch to something less bulky? Is it becuase I'm a creature of habit? No, that's not it.

Why do I change my plans for it, not eat certain foods before playing it, wash my hands to keep oil from it, wash it carefully so the lacquer doesn't flake off?

Why was I just as excited to get a horn as I was to get a laptop? Why do I love my Horn more than almost any other possession? Why is it my baby?

Why am extra careful around it, so afraid to dent it, I'd bruise my fingers rather than my Horn. Why does each dent in it feel like a blow to my soul?

Why do great Horns, like Paxman, give me the shivers?

Why am I willing to spend a lot on lessons to make me play better?

Why, why, why, why...Why Horn?

What is it about Horn that inspires me? Is it the way it seems to fit perfectly in my arms, or the way my muscles seem to just "know" what to do to put it together and play it?

Why did I pick the Horn in the first place?

I can answer that. When they passes around the sign-up sheet for band, I picked Horn for three reasons:
1. It sounded like an interesting instrument.
2. My dad played it in High School.
3. It was challenging. You had to get the director's permission to play it. I like challenges.

But whatever the reasons I picked to start, they weren't what kept me going. Sure, it was a challenge and an interesting instrument, but it didn't feel like much of a challenge for me: it came almost naturally, like math. And it really didn't matter that my dad had played it, that had only caught my attention. So what then became my reason?

I think my second reason for playing was that I couldn't quit before getting one year into it. I also liked learning, and I learned that whole first year. I loved the people in our small band in sixth grade, and band was the only time I talked to them. I think a major part was that I didn't want to let anyone down by quitting (I was the only Horn).

But those things ended when I hit Junior High. I still learned, but it wasn't with the same furver, and I still loved the people in band, but I started talking to them outside of class. I wouldn't let anyone down by quitting because there were six horns. All of my reasons became obsolete, so why did I continue? Maybe it was the lessons, I felt obligated to keep going. But that's not true, since we were paying for them, I could quit at any time. So what was my reason?

This is a hard answer, harder than asking what my reason is now. I don't remember what I thought back then, so I can't know the reasons I had for continuing. I also never thought about it then, so even if I did remember what I had thought, I never thought about why I played Horn. Even as near as High School, I can't remember my reasons. I can know my reasons for marching band, the exhileration, the feeling of accomplishment, the good feeling after exercise, but that applies to marching band, not Horn. I don't know why I did Horn in High School, and I especially don't know why I continued Senior year, when I disliked band so much. Actually, though, I know why I continued in band: I wanted to play the Horn, and I knew I would not practice, were it up to me alone. My friends were all in band, as well. But these reasons don't explain what held me to the Horn so badly that I was willing to suffer through pain, boredom, anger, and frustration just to play my Horn.

So if you couldn't tell, I've been writing this blog over the course of a few days, around 5 to be exact. And today we had our regional conference. There I felt the spirit, and realized it is the same feeling I get when I play French Horn. Music is a way to open a direct channel to God. So, I think I finally figured out the answer to the question "Why Horn?"

Answer: simply, multiple reasons that have to do with more than the Horn. They have to do with my relationship to God.
1. I love music because it speaks directly to my soul. I feel the Spirit when I here good music. So, I play Horn to immerse myself in it.
2. Commradery. I know it may sound shallow, but I enjoy working with other musicians. They are very much like me, and so I get along with them. My friends are musicians, and that may be because I'm in band, but I think I'm in band partly because that's where the people I befriend are.
3. The above two reasons are why I play music. Now, why do I play Horn? It started as a fling, where it sounded interesting. But the reason I stuck with Horn is this: it felt right. I played trumpet for a semester and I have tried to teach myself the flute. Neither of those stuck with me because they didn't feel right. Horn is what stayed because I am supposed to be playing it. I don't know why yet, but I know one day I will find out the higher purpose, even if it's just to bring me joy.
4. Which leads me to the fourth reason I play Horn: joy. I am happy when I'm playing Horn, even if I'm in pain or I'm frustrated, or bored. I love playing the Horn, creating something out of nothing. I told a friend a few days ago that I couldn't think of a blog title because I couldn't make something out of nothing. This may be true in writing sometimes, but it is never true when I'm playing my Horn. Just playing an F is creating beauty where nothing was a second ago.

These reasons are imcomplete and don't explain the deeper truths, I know. I have, however, thought long and hard for five days about this. Above are the reasons I discoverd, and below is the conclusion I reached:

I can't know, yet, the real, true reason I play Horn. This life is process and a journey, and I haven't yet reached the point where I can ask "Why French Horn?" and get a specific, susinct answer. Eventually, I hope I will know, but for know, at my stage, those are my reasons for playing the Horn, and while I know there are deeper reasons, I don't know where to go to find them. It is certain that I will continue to ask myself this questions throughout this semester and the rest of my life, and I hope I will find an answer. For now, though, I am okay with the answers I have; they are enough to keep me playing the Horn and loving it.

Thank you for joining me on this journey deeper into my soul. Obviously, it's not over, but I hope you will see what I have done and start asking yourself the question "why?" I know I have already begun to ask that about other things in my life, and it's amazing what I've found. I invite you to find some things out about yourself. Enjoy!